Re Solving the Future

Widows face unique and challenging obstacles as they progress through the process of grief in search of their future. For however many years they spent building their lives with their husbands, the vision and embodiment of the future was a combination of their entwined dreams incorporating the two of them together living out that future. When death invades and removes the husband, the surviving widow is faced with resolving— that is re-solving — or solving all over from scratch, what her future will be.

Everyone wants to experience a full and healthy life. When you spend nearly all your adult life and most of your existence in the company of your husband, naturally your dreams and expectations for the future were built combining the passions and strengths of both people to fashion a vision you shared. It was stretched between you as you each clutched to hold it up. Removing one of the poles sends the canvass falling to the ground, no longer visible.

Where there is no vision, the people perish.

Proverbs 29: 18

Widows face the daunting task of finding a new future… void of the person they counted on to share the unknown. They must figure out how to describe themselves – no longer a wife, no longer a part of a couple. They have to consider the likelihood of keeping the future they always dreamed… is it even possible… will it still bring fulfillment… could it be altered—or should it be left on the heap of loss.

I still don’t know what I want my future to look like. I’m learning I need to heal enough from the trauma of loss. I needed to start slowly. In the beginning it was breath by breath. Eventually I could make it step by step—quite literally making my feet move one step forward at a time. After a while I could sometimes plan something a little into the future… though it was hesitantly. I tried some things that worked. I tried things that didn’t. I would plan something and completely forget I did. I would want to do something and find I didn’t have the courage when the time came. It was like groping around in the dark and constantly stubbing my toe.

Within your heart you can make plans for your future, but the Lord chooses the steps you take to get there.

Proverbs 16: 9

We make plans and set goals to turn dreams into action steps. The best plan I can make right now is to seek God for guidance and ask Him to direct my path. I feel like a toddler learning how to walk and keep falling down. It’s like my legs are still trying out new muscles that need to grow strong. I need to trust God to help me have the courage to keep getting back up and trying to walk again. 

Your future is bright and filled with a living hope that will never fade away. As you listen to Me, My beloved child, you will grow in wisdom and your heart will be drawn into understanding, which will empower you to make right decisions.

Proverbs 23: 18-19

Please pray with me.

Father God, please help guide and protect us as we adopt new ways of living in this world as we adapt to life without our beloved husband. Show us the future You planned for us… a future filled with hope. Please comfort and heal our hearts. Reveal the desires and gifts You created in us and make clear our dreams. Help us find the right people and resources to encourage and promote these dreams. Give us the courage and fortitude to pursue them with passion and give You all the glory and honor. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

 

Tumultuous Transitions

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. - Soren Kierkegaard

Embarking on my journey as a widow is pretty much a blur. Life upended and tossed everything I knew in a flurry of chaos. I was in a deep fog, though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I had no idea I was at the biggest crossroad of my life.

I had head knowledge of grief before my husband went to heaven. Heart knowledge is a kick in the face with an iron boot. It left me initially unconscious. When I started to come to, at first it was like having a form of amnesia, and I found I couldn’t remember the most obvious and normal things—and I couldn’t take care of myself or follow any normal routine. I couldn’t recognize my own face in a mirror. It’s like grief maims and disfigures you. People treat you completely different. It’s especially devastating to have your closest family and friends shrink back – either abandoning you completely, or turning cold and callous –refusing to understand and choosing to attack, dismiss or belittle your feelings or actions.

Grief left me feeling like every road I tried to take was a dead end. I never felt so alone and abandoned. It felt like I was standing in the middle of the pieces of my broken heart and shattered life. The only life I knew was defined as half of a whole. My union with my husband always made room to consider his feelings, needs, and desires in relation with and combination with mine. It’s a complete paradigm shift to suddenly be alone.

Grief can derail not only our life but threaten to demolish everything we believe – including how we view our relationships. I’m talking about the important relationships… family… friends… and most important of all—our relationship with God.

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. ~C. S. Lewis

Conquering grief is a process we go through where we learn to surrender the life we had… to gradually discover our future. We don’t like to talk about our brokenness. When the people in our lives and the sources of support we count on fail, we feel powerless and insecure. We don’t want to feel vulnerable to fear.

We all live in moments, locations, situations, or relationships that seem to be spinning out of control, but they are not out of control. Yes, they are way beyond the scope of our control, but they are under the rule of one who is not only in complete control but is also perfectly good in every way. ~ Paul David Tripp

When we find ourselves too broken to fix on our own, we also receive a gift—the true understanding of ourselves and the God who loves us. He created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. He made us in His image. He made us strong and resilient.

So I’ve learned from my experience

God protects the vulnerable.

For I was broken and brought low,

but He answered me and came to my rescue!

Now I can say to myself and to all,

“Relax and rest, be confident and serene,

for the Lord rewards fully those

who simply trust in Him.”

God rescued my soul from death’s fear

and dried my eyes of many tears.

He’s kept my feet firmly on His path

and strengthened me so I may please Him

and walk before Yahweh in His fields of life.

Even when it seems I’m surrounded

by many liars and my own fears,

and though I’m hurting in my suffering and trauma,

I still stay faithful to God and speak words of faith.

Psalm 116: 6-11

God’s not done writing our story. God’s not done with us.

God said to me once and for all,

“All the strength and power you need flows from Me!”

And again I heard it clearly said,

“All the love you need is found in Me!”

Psalm 62: 11-12

I am His poetry, a re-created person who will fulfill the destiny He gave me, for I am joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before I was born, God planned in advance my destiny and the good works I would do to fulfill it!

Ephesians 2:10

Only God has a heart deep enough and hands strong enough to meet His children in the darkest shadows of this life. Don’t be fooled by substitutes and so called wisdom of the world. God is embracing you right now and capturing every tear in His bottle. He will show Himself to be faithful because He always is.

Please pray with me.

Heavenly Father, sometimes the things we face derail us and we just don’t know what to do. Thank You for loving me and carrying me in this struggle. Please send Spirit-filled lovers of You to walk beside me and help me find the destiny You created for me. Please heal me and give me the strength and wisdom to love and care for Your beloved so You will be glorified. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I Wanted to Grow Old with You

 

I Wanted to Grow Old with You

I wanted to grow old with you, but God had other plans.
I vowed to love you until death as we stood holding hands.
We pledged to be together until our lives were through.
I thought we’d spend our golden years ahead, just me and you.

I know you’d be here if you could, you tried so hard to live.
You struggled to rise every day, gave all you had to give.
If love alone could save you, you’d still be here with me.
If love alone could bring you back, how lovely life would be.

But no one lives forever, so I go on alone.
I’m finding my ‘’new normal,” attempting to live on.
The silence now is deafening, the empty bed brings tears.
I think of you still every night, I know I will for years.

I remember when you were around, perhaps I’ve gone insane.
I miss you oh so desperately, I’ll grasp at anything.
Our memories are all I have, I guess they’ll have to do.
I’m thankful for the years we had, so grateful I found you.

I know that I am fortunate, that some will never know
a love like ours, the joy we shared, before you had to go.
I miss your touch, your gentleness, your laughter, and your care.
Now the pain from what I lost is more than I can bear.

Our vows still echo in my head, from our great wedding day.
Our wedding songs exactly voiced the words we longed to say.
The songs were just the beginning, you sang our whole life long,
highlighting every special time, with special words and song.

For all you did, for all your love, my thankful heart just bursts,
so many traditions, repeated much, and many special firsts.
We promised to be faithful, and kept it always true…
I only wish you could have stayed, I wanted to grow old with you.

I read Katherine Billings Palmer’s poem titled “I Wanted to Grow Old with You” a little over a year ago. It felt like it expressed my heart… my very broken heart… just beautifully. Her version was tailored to her experience. I adapted it a bit to mirror mine.

Isn’t it amazing how you can read something, and it captures your heart and ignites something inside you? Finding the words to express the chaos in my heart in those early months seemed impossible. So what happens then, when this “One Flesh” we became when we married is ripped apart when Father God welcomes your husband home to heaven, and he is restored to his glorious eternal body, free from pain and sickness and the consequences of sin, but we are left bleeding, shattered, heartbroken, and alone like we could never have imagined?

This is the question I am struggling to answer. This is the tip of the iceberg—the starting point of the darkest and hardest, most painful and chaotic, life altering and terrifying days of my life. Suddenly, and with no warning, my life had no semblance to anything familiar. Each passing day, instead of bringing the answers, support and hope I desperately needed… the confusion, pain and chaos built, expanded and kept morphing into what could be described as a hideous and colossal monster… taunting and attacking and trying to squeeze the very life out of me.

I’ve made some progress. I have a long way to go. Spring is a time of transition. We experience the winds of change and the air is filled with hope… rebirth. Spring fever means hearts get lighter, trees bud, and flowers bloom. The promise of resurrection as we anticipate the gift Christ gave us at Easter waters seeds of promise for brighter and happier days ahead.

We can embrace the shifts that develop our identity with the same spring fever. The way we express the essence of who we are develops as we allow the Lord to unlock a new portion of our identity in Him.

We become His poetry, a re-created people that will fulfill the destiny He has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it! Ephesians 2: 10 TPT

Transition may create many questions and raise our stress level, but the truth is we have been adjusting and adapting throughout this journey all along. I am grateful beyond belief I can lean on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to protect and guide me through the uncertainties and questions. Change can provide the opportunity for us to be used by the Lord in new ways. He goes into our future to prepare the way.

You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness You follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. You laid Your hand on me!

Psalm 139: 5 TPT

I invite you to pray with me.

Precious Father, King Jesus, Holy Spirit, I look at the stars at night to see the power of Your majesty and I’m aware You already know the future and the life I have in front of me. You will never leave me or forsake me. Please allow the picture of Your all-knowing power drive away all fear. As I see the sun rise in the morning, may I remember You long to forgive me, to make me new, and provide me with a fresh start. Keep those truths alive in my heart as I go about my day. Grant me hope and peace as I live with You, a God who loves more deeply than I can ever know. Your love is my stabilizing force. Thank You for Your promise.

This is God’s Word on the subject: … I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.

Jeremiah 29: 10-13 MSG

In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

My Introduction

My dance with grief actually began over five years before I watched my beloved husband take his last breath and enter Heaven. I was his devoted caregiver as a terminal degenerative neurological disease steadily and increasingly attacked nearly every major system of his body and transformed him from a vibrant, brilliant, strong and caring man to a bedfast invalid. I spent every minute caring for him and doing my best to make the most of every minute, to love him and pray for a miracle.

We are both spirit-filled believers in the one and only God of the universe and were born again when we accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior when we were young. We met at college and were good friends for five years before we were married. He was part of my life for more than 42 years. We were married almost 37 years. We said “I love you” to each other nearly every day of our marriage, and we sincerely meant it. We celebrated the fifth day of every month because we were married on the fifth. I know we had something very special. I sincerely pray Father God will give me the grace to heal enough it no longer hurts with the incredible intensity it still hurts so far, but this was a relationship to someone I loved and cared for most of my life.

This relationship impacted everything about me, from huge things like my identity and life choices to all the little things… like what we wanted to eat or watch on television. Grief is not something we can measure, predict, or control. Grief is our personal response to the loss of someone we cared about who died, and the gradual realization we can never again hold or touch them, talk to them, or create any new memories with. The staggering finality can’t possibly penetrate our shattered heart immediately. We were a “we” for so long I’m finding it impossible still to consider any decision without first thinking “what would you (my husband) like to do.” I haven’t considered what I want or would do without him for so long it feels uncomfortable and just wrong.

Our marriage was like a bicycle, with the wheels rolling in unison going in the same direction. We both knew we could change course simply by talking to each other about it and we had the assurance even when we took a rocky, winding, steep or treacherous path… if we prayed about it and knew together it was the right way to go… we would make it. Sometimes along the way, we needed to fix a flat tire or a broken chain. Sometimes we forgot to ask God for His guidance and ended up in trouble. But, even with the detours, problems, mistakes, and breakdowns, we treasured our life, our relationship, and each other. Ours was not an easy life. We definitely had our share of sorrow, disappointment and trials. We also shared some very special blessings and grace from God on top of our incredibly special love for each other.

I’m confident I will see my beloved again. I believe the Bible is the living Word of God. I believe what God tells us: 

This is why I continually thank God for my life, because I received God’s message wholeheartedly. I embrace it not as the fabrication of men but as the Word of God. The Word continues to be an energizing force in me who believes.

1 Thessalonians 2: 13 TPT

God’s Word tells us: 

Beloved brothers and sisters, we want you to be quite certain about the truth concerning those who have passed away, so you won’t be overwhelmed with grief like many others who have no hope. For if we believe Jesus died and rose again, we also believe God will bring with Jesus those who died while believing in Him. 1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14 TPT

It’s my faith in God and the energizing force He stirs within me that helps me keep moving forward step by step. So, my grief is not so much about not knowing where my husband is. I know he is in Heaven with Jesus, and I will join him again when I finish my race here on the earth. The grief I am conquering is missing my best friend and love of my life to talk to and share with. It is learning who I am separated from him. My identity was entwined with him and we functioned as a unit—two became one when we were married.

For this reason a man is to leave his father and his mother and lovingly hold to his wife, since the two have become joined as one flesh. Marriage is the beautiful design of the Almighty, a great and sacred mystery—meant to be a vivid example of Christ and His church. Ephesians 5: 31-32 TPT

This entry I wrote in my journal sums it up fairly well…

Losing this bond I shared with my dear husband is my deepest sorrow and most agonizing pain. Now I feel like the bicycle, but I only have one wheel and my tire is flat. The chain is definitely broken and draped on the ground because it misses its connection to the other wheel. I have no idea how to start moving again. When I survey the landscape around me, I see nothing but rubble, mostly enshrouded in darkness. No pathway is discernable, and sorrow engulfs me. I spend a lot of my time in prayer, seeking God for grace and direction. I know He loves me and has a plan for me, but so far He chooses not to reveal what that is. I believe He wants me to write a book about my journey with grief to share with other widows, but mostly He tells me to rest.

I’ve spent some time resting and God is healing me. I’m realizing the grief is about a lot more than the loss of my husband. It has roots in the pain of watching my beloved suffer in relentless decline and feeling helpless to make it stop. It is in the wounds inflicted in reactions and circumstances since he left that blindsided me and threatened to crush me. It is even in memories… some very good but hard to bear yet, and some not so good where regret or remorse live.

A wife losing her husband and becoming a widow is most likely facing the most gut wrenching, heart shattering, life changing loss of her life. It certainly is for me. In spite of this, with God on my side, I am healing. I don’t want anyone to feel alone. While every person will experience the journey in her own unique way, we share the reality of a loss so significant, intimate, and personal it binds us together as we relate to each other’s stories when we take the time to share not only our struggles but our triumphs. We are created for relationship. It starts with healing. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share the struggles we face along the way, we become stronger together. We support each other through the storms and rejoice together through the triumphs.

I invite you to pray with me.

Heavenly Father, this life is not easy. You promise to be my husband.

For your Creator will be your husband;

the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is His name!

He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,

the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54: 5 NLT

You are my husband now Lord. I give all my concerns to You. Thank You for all the ways You continue to bless me and sustain me no matter what happens. Thank You for the healing You have done and the healing You continue to give. Please continue to direct my steps and help me fulfill the destiny You created me to live. Please bless and renew, strengthen and guide everyone who reads this. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.