Tumultuous Transitions

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. - Soren Kierkegaard

Embarking on my journey as a widow is pretty much a blur. Life upended and tossed everything I knew in a flurry of chaos. I was in a deep fog, though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I had no idea I was at the biggest crossroad of my life.

I had head knowledge of grief before my husband went to heaven. Heart knowledge is a kick in the face with an iron boot. It left me initially unconscious. When I started to come to, at first it was like having a form of amnesia, and I found I couldn’t remember the most obvious and normal things—and I couldn’t take care of myself or follow any normal routine. I couldn’t recognize my own face in a mirror. It’s like grief maims and disfigures you. People treat you completely different. It’s especially devastating to have your closest family and friends shrink back – either abandoning you completely, or turning cold and callous –refusing to understand and choosing to attack, dismiss or belittle your feelings or actions.

Grief left me feeling like every road I tried to take was a dead end. I never felt so alone and abandoned. It felt like I was standing in the middle of the pieces of my broken heart and shattered life. The only life I knew was defined as half of a whole. My union with my husband always made room to consider his feelings, needs, and desires in relation with and combination with mine. It’s a complete paradigm shift to suddenly be alone.

Grief can derail not only our life but threaten to demolish everything we believe – including how we view our relationships. I’m talking about the important relationships… family… friends… and most important of all—our relationship with God.

Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. ~C. S. Lewis

Conquering grief is a process we go through where we learn to surrender the life we had… to gradually discover our future. We don’t like to talk about our brokenness. When the people in our lives and the sources of support we count on fail, we feel powerless and insecure. We don’t want to feel vulnerable to fear.

We all live in moments, locations, situations, or relationships that seem to be spinning out of control, but they are not out of control. Yes, they are way beyond the scope of our control, but they are under the rule of one who is not only in complete control but is also perfectly good in every way. ~ Paul David Tripp

When we find ourselves too broken to fix on our own, we also receive a gift—the true understanding of ourselves and the God who loves us. He created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. He made us in His image. He made us strong and resilient.

So I’ve learned from my experience

God protects the vulnerable.

For I was broken and brought low,

but He answered me and came to my rescue!

Now I can say to myself and to all,

“Relax and rest, be confident and serene,

for the Lord rewards fully those

who simply trust in Him.”

God rescued my soul from death’s fear

and dried my eyes of many tears.

He’s kept my feet firmly on His path

and strengthened me so I may please Him

and walk before Yahweh in His fields of life.

Even when it seems I’m surrounded

by many liars and my own fears,

and though I’m hurting in my suffering and trauma,

I still stay faithful to God and speak words of faith.

Psalm 116: 6-11

God’s not done writing our story. God’s not done with us.

God said to me once and for all,

“All the strength and power you need flows from Me!”

And again I heard it clearly said,

“All the love you need is found in Me!”

Psalm 62: 11-12

I am His poetry, a re-created person who will fulfill the destiny He gave me, for I am joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before I was born, God planned in advance my destiny and the good works I would do to fulfill it!

Ephesians 2:10

Only God has a heart deep enough and hands strong enough to meet His children in the darkest shadows of this life. Don’t be fooled by substitutes and so called wisdom of the world. God is embracing you right now and capturing every tear in His bottle. He will show Himself to be faithful because He always is.

Please pray with me.

Heavenly Father, sometimes the things we face derail us and we just don’t know what to do. Thank You for loving me and carrying me in this struggle. Please send Spirit-filled lovers of You to walk beside me and help me find the destiny You created for me. Please heal me and give me the strength and wisdom to love and care for Your beloved so You will be glorified. In Jesus’ name, Amen.