My Introduction

My dance with grief actually began over five years before I watched my beloved husband take his last breath and enter Heaven. I was his devoted caregiver as a terminal degenerative neurological disease steadily and increasingly attacked nearly every major system of his body and transformed him from a vibrant, brilliant, strong and caring man to a bedfast invalid. I spent every minute caring for him and doing my best to make the most of every minute, to love him and pray for a miracle.

We are both spirit-filled believers in the one and only God of the universe and were born again when we accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior when we were young. We met at college and were good friends for five years before we were married. He was part of my life for more than 42 years. We were married almost 37 years. We said “I love you” to each other nearly every day of our marriage, and we sincerely meant it. We celebrated the fifth day of every month because we were married on the fifth. I know we had something very special. I sincerely pray Father God will give me the grace to heal enough it no longer hurts with the incredible intensity it still hurts so far, but this was a relationship to someone I loved and cared for most of my life.

This relationship impacted everything about me, from huge things like my identity and life choices to all the little things… like what we wanted to eat or watch on television. Grief is not something we can measure, predict, or control. Grief is our personal response to the loss of someone we cared about who died, and the gradual realization we can never again hold or touch them, talk to them, or create any new memories with. The staggering finality can’t possibly penetrate our shattered heart immediately. We were a “we” for so long I’m finding it impossible still to consider any decision without first thinking “what would you (my husband) like to do.” I haven’t considered what I want or would do without him for so long it feels uncomfortable and just wrong.

Our marriage was like a bicycle, with the wheels rolling in unison going in the same direction. We both knew we could change course simply by talking to each other about it and we had the assurance even when we took a rocky, winding, steep or treacherous path… if we prayed about it and knew together it was the right way to go… we would make it. Sometimes along the way, we needed to fix a flat tire or a broken chain. Sometimes we forgot to ask God for His guidance and ended up in trouble. But, even with the detours, problems, mistakes, and breakdowns, we treasured our life, our relationship, and each other. Ours was not an easy life. We definitely had our share of sorrow, disappointment and trials. We also shared some very special blessings and grace from God on top of our incredibly special love for each other.

I’m confident I will see my beloved again. I believe the Bible is the living Word of God. I believe what God tells us: 

This is why I continually thank God for my life, because I received God’s message wholeheartedly. I embrace it not as the fabrication of men but as the Word of God. The Word continues to be an energizing force in me who believes.

1 Thessalonians 2: 13 TPT

God’s Word tells us: 

Beloved brothers and sisters, we want you to be quite certain about the truth concerning those who have passed away, so you won’t be overwhelmed with grief like many others who have no hope. For if we believe Jesus died and rose again, we also believe God will bring with Jesus those who died while believing in Him. 1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14 TPT

It’s my faith in God and the energizing force He stirs within me that helps me keep moving forward step by step. So, my grief is not so much about not knowing where my husband is. I know he is in Heaven with Jesus, and I will join him again when I finish my race here on the earth. The grief I am conquering is missing my best friend and love of my life to talk to and share with. It is learning who I am separated from him. My identity was entwined with him and we functioned as a unit—two became one when we were married.

For this reason a man is to leave his father and his mother and lovingly hold to his wife, since the two have become joined as one flesh. Marriage is the beautiful design of the Almighty, a great and sacred mystery—meant to be a vivid example of Christ and His church. Ephesians 5: 31-32 TPT

This entry I wrote in my journal sums it up fairly well…

Losing this bond I shared with my dear husband is my deepest sorrow and most agonizing pain. Now I feel like the bicycle, but I only have one wheel and my tire is flat. The chain is definitely broken and draped on the ground because it misses its connection to the other wheel. I have no idea how to start moving again. When I survey the landscape around me, I see nothing but rubble, mostly enshrouded in darkness. No pathway is discernable, and sorrow engulfs me. I spend a lot of my time in prayer, seeking God for grace and direction. I know He loves me and has a plan for me, but so far He chooses not to reveal what that is. I believe He wants me to write a book about my journey with grief to share with other widows, but mostly He tells me to rest.

I’ve spent some time resting and God is healing me. I’m realizing the grief is about a lot more than the loss of my husband. It has roots in the pain of watching my beloved suffer in relentless decline and feeling helpless to make it stop. It is in the wounds inflicted in reactions and circumstances since he left that blindsided me and threatened to crush me. It is even in memories… some very good but hard to bear yet, and some not so good where regret or remorse live.

A wife losing her husband and becoming a widow is most likely facing the most gut wrenching, heart shattering, life changing loss of her life. It certainly is for me. In spite of this, with God on my side, I am healing. I don’t want anyone to feel alone. While every person will experience the journey in her own unique way, we share the reality of a loss so significant, intimate, and personal it binds us together as we relate to each other’s stories when we take the time to share not only our struggles but our triumphs. We are created for relationship. It starts with healing. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share the struggles we face along the way, we become stronger together. We support each other through the storms and rejoice together through the triumphs.

I invite you to pray with me.

Heavenly Father, this life is not easy. You promise to be my husband.

For your Creator will be your husband;

the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is His name!

He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,

the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54: 5 NLT

You are my husband now Lord. I give all my concerns to You. Thank You for all the ways You continue to bless me and sustain me no matter what happens. Thank You for the healing You have done and the healing You continue to give. Please continue to direct my steps and help me fulfill the destiny You created me to live. Please bless and renew, strengthen and guide everyone who reads this. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.