Saturday, April 2, 2022

I Wanted to Grow Old with You


 

I Wanted to Grow Old with You

I wanted to grow old with you, but God had other plans.
I vowed to love you until death as we stood holding hands.
We pledged to be together until our lives were through.
I thought we’d spend our golden years ahead, just me and you.

I know you’d be here if you could, you tried so hard to live.
You struggled to rise every day, gave all you had to give.
If love alone could save you, you’d still be here with me.
If love alone could bring you back, how lovely life would be.

But no one lives forever, so I go on alone.
I’m finding my ‘’new normal,” attempting to live on.
The silence now is deafening, the empty bed brings tears.
I think of you still every night, I know I will for years.

I remember when you were around, perhaps I’ve gone insane.
I miss you oh so desperately, I’ll grasp at anything.
Our memories are all I have, I guess they’ll have to do.
I’m thankful for the years we had, so grateful I found you.

I know that I am fortunate, that some will never know
a love like ours, the joy we shared, before you had to go.
I miss your touch, your gentleness, your laughter, and your care.
Now the pain from what I lost is more than I can bear.

Our vows still echo in my head, from our great wedding day.
Our wedding songs exactly voiced the words we longed to say.
The songs were just the beginning, you sang our whole life long,
highlighting every special time, with special words and song.

For all you did, for all your love, my thankful heart just bursts,
so many traditions, repeated much, and many special firsts.
We promised to be faithful, and kept it always true…
I only wish you could have stayed, I wanted to grow old with you.

I read Katherine Billings Palmer’s poem titled “I Wanted to Grow Old with You” a little over a year ago. It felt like it expressed my heart… my very broken heart… just beautifully. Her version was tailored to her experience. I adapted it a bit to mirror mine.

Isn’t it amazing how you can read something, and it captures your heart and ignites something inside you? Finding the words to express the chaos in my heart in those early months seemed impossible. So what happens then, when this “One Flesh” we became when we married is ripped apart when Father God welcomes your husband home to heaven, and he is restored to his glorious eternal body, free from pain and sickness and the consequences of sin, but we are left bleeding, shattered, heartbroken, and alone like we could never have imagined?

This is the question I am struggling to answer. This is the tip of the iceberg—the starting point of the darkest and hardest, most painful and chaotic, life altering and terrifying days of my life. Suddenly, and with no warning, my life had no semblance to anything familiar. Each passing day, instead of bringing the answers, support and hope I desperately needed… the confusion, pain and chaos built, expanded and kept morphing into what could be described as a hideous and colossal monster… taunting and attacking and trying to squeeze the very life out of me.

I’ve made some progress. I have a long way to go. Spring is a time of transition. We experience the winds of change and the air is filled with hope… rebirth. Spring fever means hearts get lighter, trees bud, and flowers bloom. The promise of resurrection as we anticipate the gift Christ gave us at Easter waters seeds of promise for brighter and happier days ahead.

We can embrace the shifts that develop our identity with the same spring fever. The way we express the essence of who we are develops as we allow the Lord to unlock a new portion of our identity in Him.
We become His poetry, a re-created people that will fulfill the destiny He has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it! Ephesians 2: 10 TPT
Transition may create many questions and raise our stress level, but the truth is we have been adjusting and adapting throughout this journey all along. I am grateful beyond belief I can lean on my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to protect and guide me through the uncertainties and questions. Change can provide the opportunity for us to be used by the Lord in new ways. He goes into our future to prepare the way.
You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness You follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. You laid Your hand on me!
Psalm 139: 5 TPT
I invite you to pray with me.

Precious Father, King Jesus, Holy Spirit, I look at the stars at night to see the power of Your majesty and I’m aware You already know the future and the life I have in front of me. You will never leave me or forsake me. Please allow the picture of Your all-knowing power drive away all fear. As I see the sun rise in the morning, may I remember You long to forgive me, to make me new, and provide me with a fresh start. Keep those truths alive in my heart as I go about my day. Grant me hope and peace as I live with You, a God who loves more deeply than I can ever know. Your love is my stabilizing force. Thank You for Your promise.
This is God’s Word on the subject: … I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.
Jeremiah 29: 10-13 MSG
In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.


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